The Voice In Your Head is Well-Intentioned But Misinformed
We’ve all heard our inner critic in action. You might refer to it as a saboteur or self-judgment. These phrases refer to our tendency to engage in self-criticism and negative self-talk.
The inner critic is not a voice of curiosity, and it often speaks in absolutes. It can disguise itself as drive, motivation, or the pursuit of excellence. It knows which of our buttons to push, and it can be pretty brutal. It’s very convincing, and if left unchecked it can end up calling the shots.
It sounds like us and knows us well because it’s a part of us and not a separate entity.
It’s important to understand how the inner critic was formed and what its purpose is. Then, we can look at working with it to write a new story about ourselves rather than struggling against it and letting it completely take over.
It’s an amalgamation of the experiences, relationships, and things people have said that have shaped you. It’s childlike, and it was formed in childhood.
The function of the inner critic is to protect us from harm, instability, and rejection from the group. It keeps us safe in our relationships in an effort to protect us from discomfort.
But, it’s important to know while our inner critic is well-intentioned, it’s misinformed as to what is a real threat and what we’re actually capable of today.
It has a major fault - it doesn’t recognize the tradeoffs that are made when it’s attempting to protect us from perceived harm.
By protecting us from discomfort, our inner critic stunts our growth and strips us of our opportunity to learn. By protecting us from disappointment, our inner critic prevents us from asking for what we want. And by protecting us from saying the wrong thing, we end up with a lack of self-expression and an inability to speak our truth.
When the inner critic tries to protect us from being misunderstood, it’s only preventing us from deepening relationships that can lead to eventually being understood.
Our inner critic or saboteur is trying to protect someone who is capable of making good decisions, repress someone who has big ambitions to offer the world, and keep us away from confrontation when we are actually capable of productive conflict!
It’s possible to rewrite this story - you are the author! How do we reprogram our inner critic to work with it rather than against it?
We as adults learn emotional intelligence through the five parts of social/emotional learning: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and decision-making. We struggle to apply emotional intelligence when dealing with our inner critic because we’re too close to it to realize it’s MISINFORMED.
Remembering that the inner critic was formed in childhood, we can provide it with social and emotional training like kids receive in school, and focus on practicing self-compassion in the form of kind, encouraging, and empowering self-talk.
The next time you hear your inner critic pipe up with some negative self-talk, work through these steps:
When you hear the voice, recognize it’s your inner critic speaking.
Identify what your inner critic is saying.
Acknowledge that the voice is well-intentioned but misinformed.
Identify what is true and state your truth.
If your inner critic is loud and taking over, practice using phrases like this to state your truth:
“Thanks for the help, I’ve got this.”
“I know failure is possible, but I’ve gotten past failure before.”
“I know success isn’t guaranteed, but trying is important to me.”
“I know I’ll experience discomfort, but I can manage being uncomfortable.”
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