“Self-awareness” is Overused
The term “self-awareness” is overused.
What I mean is that it's mistaken for something that's easy. And, I think that true self-awareness is very difficult.
Self-awareness has two components:
Our understanding of ourselves
Our understanding of how others perceive us
Getting both of these things takes deliberate practice. It is not a ‘one and done’ thing - you're not going to get a certification in self-awareness and then go about your life with it operating in the background like software.
It doesn't work like that.
It is a constant practice.
And it’s also fucking scary.
Because to be self-aware, means to expose yourself to the truth, which can be beautiful and inspiring and it can be ugly and shameful.
And it’s a lot easier to not do that work or to do the minimum - such as knowing enough about your core tendencies and the kind of boxes that you can be put in through some assessment.
You can know that the DISC assessment says you have a high D personality style, so you’re a high driver. But to me, that's not understanding. All this says is that you know what this assessment said. Self-awareness is being able to understand:
In what context is that beneficial?
In what context is it triggered?
Can be toxic and maladaptive?
In what settings is it on autopilot and in what settings am I doing intentionally?
In what settings is it helpful and in what settings is it not?
What is the impact of that behavior on others?
Self-awareness is knowing what the limits of those gifts are. And not in a self-deprecating way but to truly understand.
I struggle with this, and if you're somebody who has really high ambitions and big dreams, you might too.
If you have high ambitions and big dreams, you're going to allow yourself to dream big. But this goes hand-in-hand with allowing yourself to accept all of the ugly shit, and to not beat yourself up about it.
We never fully escape our ego. We will never fully escape our inner critic or saboteurs.
All we can do is be in relationship to them. It’s the deliberate practice of having the self-compassion to be able to acknowledge what it is that you’re thinking and feeling in the moment and to do some self-reflection.
What about this is an indication that I'm that I'm just a human being, no better or worse than others, but just a human being?
Is this a shared experience and do other humans also feel this way?
What is the core fundamental need that I have?
Do I need comfort?
Do I need confidence?
Do I need feedback?
Do I need community?
Do I need to drink some water?
Do I need to breathe?
Do I need to slow down?
Do I need to speed up?
And then to hold yourself accountable to this practice… that is self-awareness.
It's not passive. It's active. And here’s the kicker…
It’s not something you can truly self-proclaim, as others will be the judge of whether or not you seem to be self-aware from their unique perspectives.
It’s not what box you fit into on an assessment. It’s working on a relationship with this part of your psychology, being aware when it's present, and knowing how to have a productive conversation with that so that it doesn't get in the way.
The book "Insight" by Tasha Eurich delves into the concept of self-awareness, which is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence and a crucial predictor for success in work and life. Eurich offers several key insights and strategies for developing one's self-awareness. I’ll share generalized takeaways that won’t fully capture the richness of the book so for a detailed understanding, reading the book is recommended.
Based on themes from work on self-awareness and emotional intelligence, some actionable takeaways might be:
Practice Self-Reflection: Set aside time to think about your thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, be wary of excessive introspection, which could lead to rumination rather than insight.
Seek Honest Feedback: Surround yourself with people who are willing to provide honest, constructive criticism. Feedback from others can reveal blind spots you might not be aware of.
Be Mindful: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as they occur. Mindfulness techniques can help you become aware of your mental state in real time, enabling better decision-making.
Challenge Your Assumptions: Understand that your perception is not always the reality. Being open to questioning your own views fosters self-awareness.
Embrace Uncertainty and Ambiguity: Self-awareness involves understanding that you don't have all the answers and that's okay. Embracing uncertainty can lead to greater adaptability and resilience.
Ask "What" Not "Why": When reflecting on emotions and reactions, asking "what" can be more constructive than asking "why". For example, asking "What are the steps I can take to improve?" is more actionable than asking "Why did this happen to me?"
Set Specific Goals for Personal Growth: Use your insights from self-reflection and feedback to set achievable goals for personal development. This keeps you motivated and focused on the journey of self-awareness.
Monitor Progress: Regularly assess how you are doing in your efforts to become more self-aware. This can involve everything from self-checks to formal 360-degree feedback from peers and supervisors.
Engage in Active Listening: When in conversations, practice active listening to understand others' perspectives better. This not only improves your social awareness but also often offers mirror insights into your own behaviors and attitudes.
Be Compassionate: Understanding oneself often leads to greater compassion for others. The more self-aware you become, the easier it is to empathize and interact effectively with those around you.
One of the biggest blind spots we have as leaders is the unrealized gap between intent and impact.
We are well aware of our intent and believe that makes us self-aware.
However, we are not aware of the impact. And therein lies the rub.
I see this often with my clients. They’re not aware of the impact of their words or actions because they are in positions of power, and people won’t share the feedback those leaders need to hear out of fear.
Or maybe it’s been shared before but nothing’s changed.
If you’re not providing feedback to someone who needs it, ask yourself what is stopping you. What assumptions are you making?
If you’re unclear and not sure if your intent is not having the intended impact - ask for feedback. And actively listen. Just listen. Allow yourself to process the feedback and say thank you.
And then put that feedback into action as part of your ongoing self-awareness practice.
For more on tapping into your true potential as a leader, subscribe to The Leadership Mind Podcast on YouTube and stay tuned for announcements about my new book coming soon!
