“Not Good Enough” - The Perfectionist
In the last newsletter, I introduced you to WIMPs. In this edition, we’ll do a deep dive into the first WIMP, the Perfectionist.
What are WIMPs? Here’s a quick recap:
Well-intentioned, Misinformed Protectors (WIMPs)
We all replay outdated stories and limiting beliefs about ourselves in our heads.
Whether you call it your inner critic or self-limiting beliefs, these voices and fear-based thoughts can cause real damage even though they’re based on good intentions and attempts to keep us safe.
You may have met one or several of these internal voices that emerged from your formative experiences, acting as guardians aiming to protect you from perceived dangers like vulnerability, criticism, and failure.
These protectors, though well-intentioned, are informed by the limited understanding and fears of our younger selves.
Our WIMPs can show up as different personas, such as the perfectionist, the hardass, the achiever, the people-pleaser, the impostor, or the contrarian.
Learning about our WIMPs can help us understand some of our most prominent tendencies in context.
The Perfectionist
The perfectionist seeks external validation instead of intrinsic self-worth and sets unattainable goals and expectations for themselves and everyone else. They strive for their personal definition of perfection, which isn’t clearly defined, so they’re doomed to failure from the start. Perfectionists are always chasing the elusive ideal, never reaching it, then mercilessly judging themselves for being a failure or “not good enough.”
Perfectionists tend to be black-and-white, right-or-wrong, binary thinkers. There is no room for grey areas. There is no room for errors or being a flawed human. They become defensive and critical when others don’t perceive them as perfect, or if they judge someone else as lacking, because worth and value are tied to achieving perfection, not being human.
Core strength: The Perfectionist is thorough, pays close attention to aesthetics, and produces excellence that inspires others.
Core fear: If I’m not the best, then I’m the worst and “not enough,” which means I’m unworthy.
Core driver: Superiority, protection from the judgment of others.
Catchphrases:
I have to win.
I’m not good enough.
If it’s not perfect, then I failed.
If I’m not the best, I’m the worst.
If it’s not perfect, then I didn’t try hard enough.
If it’s not perfect, then I’m not good enough to do this job.
When things are perfect, I’m in control, and all is right in the world.
I’m not unrealistic, I just have high standards and expect the best.
Low self-worth that results in perfectionism isn't always caused by extreme childhood trauma or abusive parents. I want to normalize that you can still experience critical mental chatter and perfectionism when you've had a pretty good childhood and loving parents like I did.
Much of the origin of my personal “not-good-enough” trope came from dyslexia in early childhood. The resources for dealing with my diagnosis were not as comprehensive and effective as they are today. For years in school, I struggled with feeling left out and left behind, causing low self-worth.
As an adult, I realized the education system was not designed for my dyslexic mind and how I think and learn the best. It took me decades to finally understand I wasn't flawed, just different. Self-compassion helped me see that what I (and society) considered a disability was actually cognitive diversity. Today, we openly talk about and value neurodiversity, but as a kid, I never heard it framed that way and thus felt shame for an innate part of who I was.
I now see the gifts in this difference, rather than only focusing on the ways I fell short of perfection in traditional educational structures. I was great at problem-solving, connecting disparate ideas to form a cohesive argument, and coming up with unique metaphors and illustrations to express and share my ideas. Self-compassion allowed me to see myself as neither good nor bad, but as a combination of strengths, weaknesses, and unique traits. I realized I wanted and deserved love and connection.
The “not-good-enough” story comes in many flavors.
I'm a failure.
I'm a f*ck-up.
I will never get it right.
What's the point? I might as well give up.
Interestingly, it often affects leaders who have already achieved a measure of success, but it's never enough. Instead, they continue performing with a chip on their shoulder, always feeling the urge to prove themselves, never asking for help, and refusing to show any weakness. Whatever the cause of your personal story and the specific words you hear in your head, you probably noticed that they bleed into every aspect of your life, including your career.
We often forget that we are humans first, leaders second. To be human is to be imperfect and fallible while still knowing that you deserve love and respect. Self-compassion gives us the peace of mind that we are enough exactly as we are. We don't need to do or be anything else to access connection and kindness.
This is something I learned over time, and which I’ll share more about in my forthcoming book, Human First, Leader Second.
Would you like to meet the rest of your WIMPs?
Stay tuned for deep dives like this in the monthly editions to follow. If you know someone who might find this helpful, please forward this along. New readers can subscribe here.
