“I’m not intimidating, I just expect the best” - The Hardass
In this newsletter series, I have introduced you to WIMPs. In this edition, we’ll do a deep dive into the second WIMP, the Hardass.
What are WIMPs? Here’s a quick recap:
Well-intentioned, Misinformed Protectors (WIMPs)
We all replay outdated stories and limiting beliefs about ourselves in our heads.
Whether you call it your inner critic or self-limiting beliefs, these voices and fear-based thoughts can cause real damage even though they’re based on good intentions and attempts to keep us safe.
You may have met one or several of these internal voices that emerged from your formative experiences, acting as guardians aiming to protect you from perceived dangers like vulnerability, criticism, and failure.
These protectors, though well-intentioned, are informed by the limited understanding and fears of our younger selves.
Our WIMPs can show up as different personas, such as the perfectionist, the hardass, the achiever, the people-pleaser, the impostor, or the contrarian.
Learning about our WIMPs can help us understand some of our most prominent tendencies in context.
The Hardass
The Hardass is usually more concerned with being right than being perfect.
People who fall under the Hardass WIMP tend to have very high standards, think they always know best, and refuse to accept being wrong. A hardass is hardest on themselves and wouldn’t ask anyone to do anything they wouldn't be willing to do themselves. They are more focused on accomplishing tasks rather than considering how people feel in the workplace and relentlessly push their team to achieve their best. It’s business, not personal.
The well-known saying “it’s lonely at the top,” deeply resonates with the Hardass, because they credit their intensity and commitment to results as driving forces behind their success.
The Hardass tends to consider showing their humanity to be a weakness, believing that “nice guys finish last.” Their armor has become part of their identity. Hardasses are self-protective and sensitive at their core, with their defensiveness acting as a shell that keeps the soft crab safe inside.
Core strengths:
🔷 The Hardass makes confident decisions in emergencies.
🔷 They lead teams through uncertain times with conviction.
Core fears:
🔷 Fear of losing it all, so they hold on to what has worked, which is to push themselves and others relentlessly.
🔷 If I don't demand the best, we’re at risk of worst-case scenarios.
🔷 Fear of looking incompetent.
🔷 Scarcity mindset.
Core drivers:
🔷 They have control of the outcomes, even those that are out of their control.
🔷 Winning at all costs.
🔷 Dominance.
Catchphrases:
🔷 It’s better to be respected than liked.
🔷 If I’m not driving for top performance, no one will.
🔷 If other people can’t do it right, I’ll just do it on my own.
🔷 I push people hard because I want what’s right for the company.
🔷 I’m not intimidating, I just have high standards and expect the very best from others.
One of my past coaching clients, Max, was the CEO of a rapidly growing Bay Area technology business. He had a strong background as a sales executive that came with high standards but, he would communicate poorly by yelling and demanding excellence.
In other words, there was one right way to do things and it was his way.
He was respected because of his outstanding technical skills but feared because of his terrible people skills. He had a hard time understanding the weight and impact of his words and how intimidating his presence was.
Max hated surprises and being put on the spot to make decisions because he was scared to look bad or incompetent. This caused a deep need for control and led to a fixed, rather than flexible approach to problems. He lacked the curiosity and empathy to consider other people’s opinions or see anyone else’s perspective.
Self-compassion can alleviate the scarcity mindset that hardasses fear which breeds the feeling that every situation is high-stakes, every mistake critical, and every show of weakness is lethal. It’s these feelings that turn a hardass into a bully or a jerk. Self-compassion is essential in giving us the courage to explore the worst parts of ourselves so that we don’t become defensive or recoil in shame. If someone is a blatant asshole, self-compassion will not make them feel better about mistreating others but will provide a non-judgmental approach to discovering the root of the behavior.
Over time, I’ve learned that self-compassion doesn’t just let us off the hook. It teaches us how to balance self-kindness and accountability so that we can call ourselves out on our own shit and make lasting changes. I share more about this in my forthcoming book, Human First, Leader Second.
Would you like to meet the rest of your WIMPs?
Stay tuned for deep dives like this in the monthly editions to follow. If you know someone who might find this helpful, please forward this along. New readers can subscribe here.
